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Bereavement and Children.

Children can and do suffer bereavement, from the death of a childhood pet to the death of a close relative.

Children are aware when a loved one dies and they feel that loss in much the same way as adults do. Children go through similar stages of grief, although they may progress through them more quickly. Understandably, some people try to protect children from the death and grieving process. But in fact, it is better to be honest with children about your own grief, and encourage them to talk about feelings of pain and distress in their turn.

Children who suffer bereavement will need an adult to help them through it. An adult who seeks to accompany a child through their grief needs to have understood the way they feel themselves about grief and loss in their own lives. They need to be able to listen and speak to children in a way which is appropriate for the age of the child. It is helpful for children and young people to be able to talk about the loss they have experienced. This will involve talking about death in situations where a parent has died. Children and young people should be allowed to express emotions in these situations. Creative media, such as drawing, writing, telling stories, games, drama, music and sports are all useful ways of expressing feelings. Children and young people may be better able to deal with their grief if they are prepared for the death of their parent and if they are allowed to participate in rituals related to death, such as funerals.

I have found this very useful information in a fact sheet or carers, it is a sound framework for helping children who have suffered a bereavement.

Children understand death different depending on their ages.

Use different approaches with children at different ages:

• At less than 3 years, children may equate death with abandonment, and a temporary state. They need to understand simply that death is permanent and is natural for every living thing.

• Between 3 and 7 years, children believe that their thoughts, wishes and actions can cause death. They may feel guilty about the death and need to be reassured that they did not cause the person to die.

• Between 8 and 12 years, children can recognise the permanence of death, but feel vulnerable, and need to be encouraged to share their grief and uncertainties.

Effects of bereavement on children may include:

• Sleep disturbances, insomnia, nightmares.

• Eating disorders, loss of appetite.

• Toilet problems, may regress to soiling or wetting as when younger.

• New physical disorders, or exacerbation of existing ones such as asthma, eczema.

• Anxiety, separation anxiety, mood swings, withdrawal, aggressive behaviours, school phobia.

• Poor concentration.

• May have guilt problems thinking they are responsible for the loss.

• Loss of memory, learning difficulties.

• Change of motivation.

• Hyperactivity, acting out, taking risks.

Management ideas:

• Parents can support the child to increase their confidence and feeling of competence.

• Allow the children to talk about death and dying as these are normal behaviours.

• It is normal for parents to shout or loose patience with children during this time.

• It can help for parents to speak openly about their feelings with the children.

• Parents need to look after their own needs.

• Parents may need to read particular books, and may read appropriate ones to the children.

• Encourage children to make a scrapbook of memories with photos, cards, or anything else related to the person who died and share talking about them.

• Encourage children to draw, paint, or write about their experience of loss and to talk about their feelings and plans.

Remember to talk to children, explain what has happened, and answer their questions. Listen to them as they need to talk as well. Encourage expression of feelings as they may be afraid to express them. Allow them to participate at the level they feel comfortable with.

I hope that these points and tips for dealing with children and bereavement are useful to you…

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