Grief that won’t go.

It may seem like your grief won’t go. You may have been grieving for some time and see no change in the intensity of your feelings.

Will it always be like this?

The answer is no, things will change, you will come through the grieving process.

There is a lot of information that you can use to help you through the grieving process. Grief that won’t go needs more information and more action so that you can better understand the grieving process and use the words of others to help you through it.

I have included some information here about the grieving process which I think you will find usefull

This information is from Helpguide.org where you can find more useful information about the grieving process.

How long does grieving take?

Many spiritual traditions recognize a particular time marker, such as a certain number of weeks or a full year, as a guide for bereavement. For instance, in Judaism, the first year of mourning is broken down in five distinct phases:

the time between death and burial.
the three days that follow, when the family is given space to grieve privately
shiva , a weeklong shared mourning with family, friends, and community members
shloshim (which includes the shiva), a 30-day period after the burial, in which the bereaved person eases back into life
Yahrzeit, the commemoration of the first anniversary of death, at which time the headstone is placed, and things return to normal, relatively speaking

Psychologically speaking, however, there is no timetable for bereavement. Just as two snowflakes are composed of the same material (frozen water) yet no two are alike, each person’s experience with the ‘stuff’ of grief is unique. For some, a few weeks or months time brings a sense of peace and renewed hope; others experience wave after wave of grief for years on end, with varying frequency and intensity.

Regardless of the type of loss, emotional support is essential. This can come from family or friends, from groups of others who have experienced similar losses, or working with a therapist or grief counselor. If the intensity of your grief seems not to be diminishing (for example, if you continue to have trouble with eating, sleeping, feelings of guilt, or impairment of ordinary life functioning), you will probably benefit from professional assistance.

Is it normal to feel so much pain?

Yes. Grief is a normal process. Intense emotional pain is not uncommon and actually supports rather than restricts healing. This pain might be felt as physical distress – burning, searing, can’t-catch-your-breath pain. You may also experience a sense of longing that can:

re-surface from time to time for years
sneak up and surprise you out of the blue
be expected and anticipated, such as the anniversary date of a loss, or a visit to a particular location that carries reminders of the lost person

It’s impossible to predict the course of your grieving. And yet … life goes on and appreciation for it can grow. Along the way, the burden becomes lighter—perhaps because you grow stronger. Eventually, you regain meaning and purpose in life even as you feel the loss:

you are able to play again
you can laugh with a friend
you begin to look forward to other experiences in your life
you feel joy.

It is not unusual to experience feelings of relief if the relationship with the deceased was exhausting or destructive for the family. It does not, in any way, disrespect the loss—it is healthy and life affirming to get on with the business of living.

The ‘work’ of grief includes:

resolving any past grief
fully acknowledging and accepting the intensity of present grief
hurting, even though it’s not pleasant

If you don’t allow yourself to have that experience, you are blocking your healing. Instead of trying to deny or medicate the pain, realize that the hurt is necessary in order for you to heal. Our experience of mental suffering offers us the chance to grow stronger in the process.

What are some strategies to cope with grief after the loss of a loved one?

Death is part of life; hanging on will not prolong your loved one’s life or bring them back. Letting go and surrendering to the grieving experience, with the help of others, will bring comfort and solace. Here are some other areas in which you can ‘grieve well’:

Self-expression
Physical self-care
Emotional self-care
Good social support

One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to stuff down your feelings—in the belief that they will simply fade with time—is counter-productive. When ignored, grief causes pain that is sometimes so excruciating that people want to numb and escape it through alcohol or medications. But in blocking the grieving process you block the natural return to interest and meaning in life that follows the grieving process and is its real end point.

Take care of yourself through self-expression

Talk. You deserve to express yourself at this difficult time, even though others may discourage or even reprimand you for having a strong emotional reaction. Talk about your loved one to others or to God (and encourage them to do so, too). If they are uncomfortable, gently let them know that part of your healing process is getting it off your chest.
Write. Start or continue writing in a journal or diary. You may want to compose a letter to the deceased person to describe how you feel and ‘say’ things you never got to say. Some questions to write about: how would you spend the rest of your life if you only had a short time to live? Would you say or do things differently? Be as honest as possible about how you feel.
Create. You may want to create a special collage or other artistically-inspired memento about your loved one, like a scrapbook. For those who are beginner artists, you can use memorabilia items or something symbolic like seashells. In the process, your thoughts and feelings may become clearer as you provide a creative outlet for expression. This exercise also may bring up other feelings that you need to face.
Remember . Let this be an opportunity to reflect on the good times. Looking back, what do you appreciate about the contributions of your loved one? What are the moments together that you cherish the most? Do things to honor and remember your loved one: if they loved flowers, plant a garden in their honor or help others plant gardens; support the causes and organizations that were important to your loved one.

Take good physical care of yourself

Get enough sleep . A regular sleep routine will be of benefit. If you are tired during the day, give yourself a chance to sit or lie down. Resting your body will help your emotional recovery . See Helpguide’s Getting the Sleep You Need: Sleep Stages, Sleep Tips and Aids to understand why a restful night’s sleep is important and how it’s adversely affected by caffeine, medications, heavy smoking and alcohol.
Avoid chemicals. Though you may crave a chemical to help you get through this time, try your best to steer clear of substances like alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, because their side effects can be unhelpful in the long-term. For instance, instead of coffee, opt for green tea, which is less jolting to your energy.
Exercise regularly. If you are physically able, take a brisk walk in the morning or at lunchtime. Choose something that will motivate you to get out of bed. For more tips on how to begin an exercise routine no matter what your age, see Helpguide’s Senior Fitness and Sports. Whether you feel like it or not, get some sort of physical exercise every day.
Eat well . Even if it’s the furthest thing from your mind, pay attention to the quality of what you eat. Take the time to eat nutritious meals while sitting down, avoiding processed or ‘fast’ food (even though you may be pressed for time and not feel like cooking). For more information on optimal nutrition, especially when you must eat out, read Helpguide’s articles on Healthy Eating: Guide to New Food Pyramids and Tips for a Healthy Diet and Healthy Restaurant Eating / Fast Food Nutrition: Guide to Making Healthy Choices.

Take care of yourself emotionally

Have fun. Is there a book that you have wanted to read or a movie you haven’t had time to see? This is the time to do it. Whether it’s listening to uplifting music or getting a massage, do what makes you happy. For more ideas, see Helpguide’s Playing Together for Fun: Creative Play and Lifelong Games. Even though you may feel guilty about being pampered at this time, you deserve to treat yourself well.
Forgive. The death of someone you love brings an end to opportunity to communicate. You may be reminded of the need to forgive that person for a past hurt—and forgive yourself if need be—then move on. Maybe you said something you regret. Perhaps you wish you had done more at the time. In your grief, you may have felt embarrassed, guilty or angry (which is completely understandable). Let yourself off the hook and apply that energy into something positive.
Plan ahead. Anniversaries and holidays bring their own particular challenges. You may feel especially emotional a year after your loved one dies, on their birthday or another significant marker. Attending an event such as a graduation, wedding or funeral can be highly charged, as well. This is a completely normal reaction. In order to prepare, talk to other members of your family to find out what their expectations are. Decide together how you would like to change your traditions while honoring the memory of your loved one.
Get the support you need. There are people who want to help you get through this time—friends, loved ones, pastoral counselors, bereavement counselor, trained laypersons and professionals .Often people want to help, but don’t know what to do.
Accept help that feels good. It’s alright to tell people who want to help how they can best help you. One of the most helpful things might be to prepare healthy meals for you. Some people can take time to just listen and hold you as you cry. A good friend might even laugh with you, in the midst of your pain.

It is important to have an outlet for sharing grief, even for people who aren’t usually comfortable talking about their feelings. Humans are social creatures and knowing that others know and understand will make you feel better, less alone with your pain. Many support groups exist for the general public as well as specific populations, such as grieving parents and suicide survivors. Whatever the nature of your loss, connecting with others will help you heal. You will know how far you’ve come when you can share another’s pain and know the possibility of recovery.

If you have a grief that won’t go try some of the things suggested in the above article, take some action.

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