Trying to help a loved one cope with grief, but just don't know what to do? Our unique, practical guide for the friends and families of the bereaved tells you exactly how to help without getting in the way

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Phases of Bereavement.

At some point everyone experiences loss and grief. This might be the death of a parent, close friend or pet or the experience of an abortion or miscarriage. We may have to face the end of a relationship or a close friend moving away.

The phases of bereavement.

While for each of us our feelings and experiences are unique, it can help to know that the grief following a loss or bereavement is likely to follow a recognised pattern. There will usually be four phases (shock, distress, adjustment, moving on). These are not clear cut with one following neatly after the other.

Shock

Even if we knew it was coming (for instance if our friend was terminally ill), the end will be a shock. Accepting what has happened may be possible almost immediately, or may happen gradually after an initial period of numbness and disbelief.

Distress

The pain of grief must be experienced. Loss involves sadness and often anger as well. These feelings need to be experienced fully and usually repeatedly over time. There is no shame attached to being upset.

Adjustment

This is the process of getting used to the absence of the lost person. We often don’t realise fully the role the person had in our lives until she or he is not there any more. This may mean having to learn new ways of operating.

Moving on

This does not mean forgetting the past, or the person you have lost. It means withdrawing emotional energy from the lost relationship and putting that energy into the present and future. It can mean taking the risk of loving again. It means becoming less preoccupied with the person who is no longer there, while they may remain a treasured and important memory.

The grief process

The way in which you move through the grief process can depend on many things. Was the loss sudden or expected? Was the relationship with the person who died one where there was good quality and regular contact or were there some unexpressed feelings or unspoken resentments? Did the loss happen when there was plenty of support around, or at a time when you were in the middle of other upheavals or stressful events?

Sometimes we can find that the pressure of another event like an illness or exams recalls the grief and because you are feeling vulnerable in relation to other issues we are grieving the loss again.

Knowing what to expect

Grief is a normal process - it can help to know something about what to expect so that we don’t add to our distress by being worried by what we are feeling.
Expect that you will have a lot of strong feelings - intense sadness, anger, loneliness, guilt and relief are common.
Expect that your life will be disrupted - you may not be as efficient as usual, you may be preoccupied and find it hard to concentrate, you may be forgetful, your sleep pattern may be disrupted.

Expect that you will need to talk about your feelings over and over again. You will probably be afraid your friends are tired of hearing about it: trust them to be honest with you and ask them if you are becoming "too much". You may need to spread yourself amongst several supportive friends.

Grief does not end with the funeral, or the start of a new season. It can easily last a year or more when the relationship was very close, but the painful feelings and memories lessen in frequency and intensity.

Do you need professional counselling?

Professional help in the form of Counselling may be Helpful:

• If you have few supportive people who you can talk to, or if you find it difficult to ask for their attention.
  

• If you feel stuck and your reaction is prolonged.
  

• If you are developing physical symptoms (eg., persistent stomach ache) or problematic behaviour (eg., misusing alcohol).
  

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